life's timeline

today we are going to tackle the topic of timelines and expectations.

Expectations are something that I have always struggled with throughout my life. Everyone has them, whether they're high or low.

When it comes to thoughts, ideas, and advice I love to use the people I care about as a sounding board. I value any helpful tips or advice from them because I know they genuinely care about my well-being.

This advice can become tricky when it comes to relationships, your career, or life in general because of the differences in opinion. This is especially true in romantic relationships because you and your partner are the only ones who truly know your relationship and what goes on behind closed doors. You also don't want to say something that may reflect your partner in a negative light, so it may be hard to get the right advice without painting the full picture.

I believe that everyone has thought of their own timeline, but we all know that life can be unpredictable and reality can be cruel. Things don't always go as planned and this is where we have to learn to adapt to the changes and move on.

For example: I know so many girls that went to college and thought, "This is where I'll meet my future husband."

I have no idea where this idea came from, but I vividly remember my roommate freshman year saying, "Can you believe that we're probably going to meet our future husbands here?"

I just remember thinking that I had never imagined meeting my future husband in college. Did I think that I would find someone that I cared about? Of course, I was so excited to date and experience dating outside of living with my parents... but a husband?

My roommate and many other girls I met had these expectations, while I had never considered the idea before, it wasn't far fetched. From that day forward, any time I got close to a boy on campus I would think,

"Is this it? Could he be the one?"

If you're wondering if they were... they were not.

Looking back now, I can honestly say that I'm glad that nothing serious came out of any of those relationships, but at the time I had such a clouded judgement because I went into every situation-ship thinking I could potentially get married to them (LOL).

It also didn't help that I was from a small town because it only helped justify meeting my husband in college.

Previously, I had talked to a few guys from surrounding schools in high school, but I never felt drawn to anyone. I never felt fireworks or had the leg pop (thank you, princess diaries) like they always talked about in movies.

I never felt a spark with anyone I dated in high school, it was mostly just the convenience of it all. I always thought that I liked someone until I had their attention and then I realized that I didn't like them at all.

I honestly liked the chase and I always have, but I also feel like it was because I didn't have any options. There weren't many boys at my school to begin with and then when you started to weed out the people you have something in common with, other than being from a small town, you're left with an even smaller, almost non-existent group.

The girls at my college called it "Small Pool Syndrome," and the first time I heard the term was when I was taking summer courses.

My already small campus felt like it was a ghost town by the time summer rolled around. The older RA's on campus would say that this is when you'd see people hanging out that would never be seen together during the regular semesters. This included friend groups and couples alike.

The couples usually fizzled out by the time August came back around and new students were moving in. This is why they referred to it as "Small Pool Syndrome," and it also gave me a reason to start using this term in reference to dating in my hometown.

The expectation to find a husband in college slowly went away as the years went on, but then I was faced with an even bigger expectation.

After college I was faced with the decision to move in with my parents until I got a solid job. I could either move in with my mom, who lived twenty minutes away from the small town I grew up in, or move in with my dad who lived in North Carolina.

These seem like two fairly normal options. People move in with their parents all the time while they are trying to get on their feet, but if I moved in with my mom it felt like I was taking a step backward.

I would be going back to the place I worked so hard to get away from. If I moved back home, there was a good chance that I stayed and it sounded like the worst case scenario to me.

If I moved in with my dad it meant: new state, fresh start, career opportunities, etc. so I did what I thought was best for me and I moved to North Carolina.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with moving back to the town you grew up in and starting a family, starting a business, etc. It just wasn't how I pictured my life panning out and that was an expectation I set for myself from a young age. I always had big dreams/goals and remaining in Ryan was not something that helped me reach them.

I am extremely grateful for the circumstances that allowed me to move because I understand that not everyone has a choice when it comes to moving back home. I understand that I am very lucky and privileged to have a parent that lived in another state.

After I moved and started settling in, I began dating and I was met with yet another expectation. I was in my early twenties in a new state and a new dating scene. Here I was yet again, feeling this immense pressure to find a boyfriend.

I went on a few dates here and there, but it was when I decided that I was going to enjoy being single that I met my boyfriend. We were together for 2 1/2 years and the pressure I felt in a relationship was just as much, if not more than when I was single.

I feel like every time I got on social media I would see another couple engaged, or someone announcing a pregnancy. I would get on Tik Tok to see posts that say, "If he doesn't propose in a year, you're wasting your time," or someone giving unsolicited relationship advice.

Then on the other hand, when I was single I would hear, "The clock is ticking." I would hear people say their projected timelines of getting engaged by 25 when they're 20 years old and single. I would feel weird knowing that I was 22 with no boyfriend and wonder if I was falling behind.

My sister's would jokingly say, "You're so picky! You're going to end up alone with a million cats."

It used to bother me, but I've come to the realization that everyone moves at their own pace. I'm comfortable in the fact that I know what I want and I know that what is meant for me will happen.

What I'm trying to say is that it's okay to do what you feel is right and it's also okay when things don't go as planned.

You had a baby with your boyfriend and it didn't work out? You got married and then divorced all within a couple of years? You have been with your boyfriend for 9 years and you guys aren't sure you believe in marriage? You're 30 and single? It's okay.

Life isn't meant to be lived the exact same way by every single person. We are meant to have different paths in life because that's what makes it interesting.

If you ever feel pressured or that life isn't going the way you want it to, just know that I'm sure everyone has felt that way at some point in time. Life rarely ever goes as planned and sometimes it's hard to be optimistic, but just know that things will pass with time.

Plus... someone has to be the fun, rich aunt and I've got big shoes to fill. ;)

Thank you for reading.

xx

Jamie Ellsbury