let me write this down

apartment 102 & unfinished poetry

the skate boards in the corner and the plants on the window sill,

the bookshelf that's bare but you swear that it'll soon be filled,

building flowers out of legos because the thought of dead flowers makes you sad,

telling me all about your family Christmas and conversations with your dad,

watching movies with the sound off,

taking hits until you cough,

the clock made from a record that was recently hung on your wall,

the dreaded walk to my car and the silence in the hall,

a grey duvet with light blue sheets and I'm wondering who the next girl is that wears them to sleep,

taking off my clothes to compliment my style,

convincing me to stay over because we won't see each other for a while,

quickly making plans for the next time we visit,

it's not as complimentary when it's time shared, is it?

hurt my feelings to spare yours,

asking more questions so that I can feel assured,

saying one thing but doing another,

trying to be the cool girl so you don't feel smothered,

comparing myself to a girl I've heard in passing,

and when I try to get to know you you'll end every statement with, "why are you asking?"

because for you there is no end goal,

it's not figuring things out as we go,

it's no feelings involved and a warm body to hold.

a safe love

I haven't been to church in years, but in my last relationship I would ask God or the universe to show me a sign. I would pray for things to work out exactly how they’re meant to.

But you can't will the negative thoughts and feelings away. I knew what was inevitable and I still pleaded for a change of heart because although I wasn't happy, he was the first man who ever stayed. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that security isn't love.

first choice

I don't want to be an option.

I don't want to be your back up plan or the person you go to when no one else is around.

I want to be the first person you call when you receive good news or when your mind is clouded and you can't sleep.

I want you to talk to me like you're in a confessional and telling me is the only thing that would give you relief.

I want to have a best friend and a partner wrapped into one.

the healing

I find a lot of relief in knowing that you've never met this version of me,

and that you'll never truly know me as well as you thought you did,

you'll always be left wondering what you're missing,

while I get my peace in knowing that you're probably lonely in your 1 bedroom apartment,

and when it's late and your mind starts to wander,

I hope you know that I am doing just fine

A few of my favorite things at the moment

an iced coffee in the morning

lying in bed after a long day

oversized sweaters & hoodies

seeing my favorite band in concert

time well spent with people that i care about

taking my dog on a long walk

someone who picks up on small details